Philadelphia, PA- In regards to the upcoming Philadelphia Eagles 2013 football season, local virgin Barry Brennan expressed great enthusiasm.
“I really think this might be our year,” stated the 48-year-old Brennan, who hasn’t felt the sensual touch of a woman since April of 1997. “I know training camp has just started, but still, they look good.”
It’s true. Training camp for the Philadelphia Eagles began on Monday with new head coach Chip Kelly at the helm. “I don’t know much about Chip Kelly,” confessed Brennan, a masturbator of network television, “but last year was just so disappointing, anything different would be an improvement.”
Before Chip Kelly, Andy Reid was the head coach and had been since 1999, which was two years removed from when a then 32-year-old Brennan received a knuckly handjob outside the local T.G.I. Fridays restaurant.
Brennan, who was given his walking papers at the warehouse last December and was forced to move into his mother’s basement, looks forward to the season with great relish. “Last December was great; the Eagles were showing positive signs of life, but the season ended just as soon as they really got going.”
When asked if there was any concern that there were 4 quarterbacks reporting to training camp to vie for the starting spot, Brennan remained steadfast in his impenetrable optimism. “Four quarterbacks, I think that’s great,” replied Brennan, a man who got his first kiss because a girl lost a bet, “it just shows how much depth this team will have when the season gets started.”
“That’s the great thing about being an Eagles fan,” said Brennan, who cried himself to sleep last night, “we never give up.”
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