Unemployed Virgin Optimistic About Eagles’ Chances This Year

Philadelphia, PA- In regards to the upcoming Philadelphia Eagles 2013 football season, local virgin Barry Brennan expressed great enthusiasm.
“I really think this might be our year,” stated the 48-year-old Brennan, who hasn’t felt the sensual touch of a woman since April of 1997. “I know training camp has just started, but still, they look good.”
It’s true. Training camp for the Philadelphia Eagles began on Monday with new head coach Chip Kelly at the helm. “I don’t know much about Chip Kelly,” confessed Brennan, a masturbator of network television, “but last year was just so disappointing, anything different would be an improvement.”
Before Chip Kelly, Andy Reid was the head coach and had been since 1999, which was two years removed from when a then 32-year-old Brennan received a knuckly handjob outside the local T.G.I. Fridays restaurant.
Brennan, who was given his walking papers at the warehouse last December and was forced to move into his mother’s basement, looks forward to the season with great relish. “Last December was great; the Eagles were showing positive signs of life, but the season ended just as soon as they really got going.”
When asked if there was any concern that there were 4 quarterbacks reporting to training camp to vie for the starting spot, Brennan remained steadfast in his impenetrable optimism. “Four quarterbacks, I think that’s great,” replied Brennan, a man who got his first kiss because a girl lost a bet, “it just shows how much depth this team will have when the season gets started.”
“That’s the great thing about being an Eagles fan,” said Brennan, who cried himself to sleep last night, “we never give up.”

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OCTAGON Soap– The Review!

While most top-shelf brand bar soaps, your Dial, Dove, Lever 2000, etc., can cost up to $2.30 for a single 4 oz. bar, the bottom shelf of soap in the grocery aisle holds a powerful yet cheap gem of a bar: Colgate’s Octagon Soap.

Its packaging is pure and simple: three red stripes cascading down a white package, with the bold letters OCTAGON busting through and grabbing my eye. If a soap simply called “OCTAGON” didn’t snag your attention, the price will: $0.69 a bar? I think I’ll get two.

At first I didn’t know if I could handle the awesome power of the OCTAGON, for just trying to pick it up took some effort. It was a dense 7 ounces as compared to your usual exfoliating, buoyant, sudsy, unmanly soap of Dove with a cowardly 4 ounces. Dove may have 1/4 moisturizing bar, but do you know what 1/4 of an octagon is? A straight line, apparently. Octagon Soap, with 1/4 straight line, 3/4 Hexagon!

I didn’t read the back of the OCTAGON label until after I got home and started the shower:

“Keep OCTAGON soap in your home. It’s so convenient and useful. You’ll save money, too—because it’s economical to use. For removing hard-to-get spots out of the family wash, OCTAGON soap is excellent! And – it makes dishwashing quick and easy… because it dissolves grease fast. You’ll like it, also, to help you keep your stove, cabinets and woodwork sparkling clean.”

Hmm…they seemed to have omitted the section about applying it to your skin. But no matter; it says “all-purpose,” right? I ripped the packaging off and brazenly stepped into the OCTAGON.

The bar itself was a sickly pea-soup green, like a fossilized block of Linda Blair’s exorcist vomit. The corners were not softly rounded like most name brand soaps, presumably to really dig into the back corners of your grease-ridden stove, or in this case, my armpits.

The smell of the OCTAGON, too, was something that hit a familiar chord with me. I stood there for quite a while, sniffing the OCTAGON, and the best description I have for the scent of the soap is that it had a clinical lime scent. I also realized it smelled just like my art classroom back at Glenside Weldon Elementary School. Was OCTAGON soap used to clean my Art Class smock back in 1992? Perhaps!

As for the action of the soap, it was a bit coarse on the skin at first, but it didn’t burn at least. No rashes surfaced, no body hair singed off, and my natural odor was suppressed by the brute scent of the OCTAGON.

I highly recommend OCTAGON Soap not just to clean your dishes, stove, cabinets, and woodwork, but to clean your body as well. The bar itself lasted two whole weeks in my shower, and that includes using it to scrub out the stains in my toilet bowl. Thanks, OCTAGON!