Amish Hooligan Flicks Light Switch

Lancaster, PA- The Amish community was shocked and dismayed following the vicious act of one Bertram Fisher, 19, who allegedly turned off the lights at the local produce mart on Friday.

“It’s a sad day for the community,” commented Fannie Schwartz, a neighbor of the Amish man in question. “To think of what he had done…and the children who had to suffer…”

The light switch, or as it is known in the Amish community, “Lucifer’s Nipple,” was positioned near the exit door of the establishment. According to eyewitness testimony, Fisher had just bartered a bushel of apples for some ears of corn with the manager of the store, and on his way out, did the unthinkable.

“I saw him eye up that nipple of Lucifer’s,” recalled Samuel Wittmer, the boy who had traveled with Fisher to the store, “and before I could shout an objection, the lights were off and Bertram was gone.”

Bertram was found miles down the road, passed out from exhaustion near a construction site. He was not allowed to be reached for comment.

Citizens of the community are aghast, but not surprised.

“Bertram has always been a weird bugger,” noted Mary Schlamm, who is not even remotely aware of what a garage door opener is. “I remember once when we were schoolchildren and he [Bertram] brought in this thing called a, uh, radio? Am I saying that right? Well, after that day, I knew to keep my distance from the likes of him.”

Produce store manager, Carolyn Hennings gave her account of the incident. “Yeah, that kid with the weird hat, he flicked the light switch. Looked pretty dangerous when he did it too; had this weird look in his eye.” When asked by Amish community leaders if she wanted to press charges, she responded, “No, it was in the middle of the afternoon, so no one really noticed. And besides, I just turned the lights back on right after he left anyhow.”

1 Comment

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One response to “Amish Hooligan Flicks Light Switch

  1. Ha! I will now refer to every light switch as ‘Lucifer’s Nipple.’

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